I always thought I believed that Jesus died for me, but now I'm just not sure if I've ever truly believed. I don't see the value in myself, so how can I see the value I have in God's eyes? Since, I can't see this, do I truly believe? I don't know why He'd want me. Is this unbelief? Have I truly accepted His gift? I thought I had, but have I? If I haven't, how I do I get over my feelings of being worthless? I take it I shouldn't feel this way, but how do I overcome it?
I've also been viewing things I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't, but I keep getting drawn in. Is this somewhat of an addiction or an excuse? I should talk with someone here, but I can't. I just can't. What would they think of me? I can't handle the disappointment from them.
I've also been angry. I think this stems from my sin. I don't think I'm angry about my mom. She deserved to be truly free. I do not wish her back. I cannot even dare to think about having her come back her after she's been in paradise. That would just be plain cruel. I just wish to be with her. There is nothing for me here, but relationships. Everything else doesn't matter. I don't believe I'll aspire to much, so this comes a lot easier to me than it might to others. I know the Scripture "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.". Some of the things I've said lately, I cannot see a true follower of the most high God saying, no matter how angry they are. I'm also angry at what seems to be the hypocrisy in my church, yet I skim right over my own sin.
How do I believe? How do I accept His love? How do I live for Him? How can I overcome such a huge obstacle? If I read His Word and pray, is this enough?
Am I just confused? Am I just blowing this out of proportion?
So, if there is nothing else you do, please pray for me. I want to live my life to the fullest for Jesus Christ and not myself. I just don't know how. I WANT TO BELIEVE. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE THIS WAY ANYMORE.
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3 comments:
Knowing you want to change means you are going in the right direction. Don't feel embarassed. Everyone has questioned God. Everyone has sinned. It seems like I take two steps forward and three steps back sometimes, ya know? I really felt the same as you when I was called up to serve overseas. My son was almost two years old, and I had to leave him for 9 months. My husband became Mr. Mom for that time...oh, how I blamed God and questioned Him! I did things I am so ashamed of during that time. I hardly could forgive myself after I finally repented. But I finally was able to. I've actually come to thank Jesus for my stupidity. I've become less judgemental because of it...and more empathetic towards others when they fall.
Hypocracy in church is the same everywhere...since a church is made up of sinners. Yes, we are saved and we should act as Jesus would, but realistically, everyone fails. That is what grace is about. We don't deserve it, but He loves us.
Have you ever read Hinds Feet on High Places? It is SO good. It really tells the story of how we must go through horrible times to appreciate the good...how we go through testing, sadness, trials, loneliness...and how God helps us along the way, even when we cannot see Him at all.
Don't give up. Press on. I forget the scripture but it goes something like: I'm pressing on, with Him my weakness will be made strong.
Someday, the Lord will use this experience for His glory. Believe it! He can do miracles in your life. Just open up to Him. Let him know you doubt. Ask Him to help you believe.
Let me know how you're doing soon!
I Love you!!!
First of all, the fact that you are struggling is an evidence that you are His. Why would satan mess with you if you were still his property and not God's property.
Second, yes, your anger does stem from your sin. You know which way you should walk in, but you're caught in Paul's classic dilemma: the good I want to do, I don't do, and the evil I don't want to do, I find myself doing.
Now, only you can know for certain that you are God's child. Let me ask you this question: if you stood before Him tonight, and He asked you why He should let you into His heaven, what would you say to Him?
The answer needs to be "Because I trusted in Jesus as my Savior". Not "I lived a semi-perfect life" or "because I'm not as bad as I once was".
If your answer is trust in Jesus, rest in that. The enemy will try to pry your fingers from your faith, but the good news is even if you let go, God will catch you--always:-)
Father God, Your child needs a touch from You. She needs an assurance that You are still there and that You still adore her.
Her poor heart has obviously been through a lot of pain and hurt. Sometimes we act out in sin due to our pain, and we shouldn't, but we do. I know You've forgiven her. Clear her conscience, and remind her that her sins are cast into Your sea of forgetfulness with a "No Fishing" sign posted.
Help her to overcome this sin that so easily ensnares her, and remind her that we all have struggles with sin. She's not evil--she's Your child, precious and beloved.
Help her seal this with assurance from Your Spirit. Send believers into her life to minister to her and to bring healing and love into her life.
In Jesus' name, amen.
You need me, you email me:-)
thedeena63 at hotmail dot com
I love you, and I'll continue to pray for you. Contact me at any time, okay, sweetie??
I just hope I didn't hurt you or wound you in any way. I love you, and I'm here:-)
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